If this person was still around, he would take zero credit for where I am today, but the truth is he was highly instrumental in getting my life back on track. He helped me through the darkest part of my life. What I didn’t know at the time, was it was the darkest time of his as well.
Many years ago, I started to experience flash backs and panic attacks due to an old emotionally abusive relationship. I had been in this relationship for 2 years, suppressed all my pain around it for at least 3 years after it ended, and since then I’m still working on the lasting effects of these experiences.
As soon as the panic attacks started, I reached out to a counsellor I found on the web who seemed like a good match. (I think the only way to choose a counselor is a little research and a lot of gut instinct). From our first appointment, I felt safe. This is important. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel safe.
If I close my eyes, I can still feel the warmth of his office, see the soft lighting, and feel the presence of pure compassion coming through the person sitting across from me. This man said very little, but his presence spoke volumes. He listened with compassion. He felt for me. He explained things calmly and without judgement. I only saw him maybe 3 times. But the time I spent with him was probably one of the most influential of my entire life. He would say I figured things out for myself. But I couldn’t have done that without him. It wasn’t what he said. It was who he was. He just beamed with love. Because of his compassion, I was able to come up for air after years of hiding from my pain, speak my truths, and be seen and heard in safety.
One week I showed up for an appointment, and found out through one of his friends that sadly, he had decided to leave this planet. I was destroyed. I had no idea he too was struggling with the darkest parts of himself. I later learned that many “care givers” often put aside their own needs and pour much of their energy into helping others. Part of me wanted to abandon the work I was doing, but ultimately I decided to hold up my end of some of the things I committed to during our work together.
At his funeral, I found out that his profound presence wasn’t just something that had changed me. Many people he knew felt deeply affected by it. I heard the words “compassion” and “presence” spoke by many of his family and other clients when describing him. Also caring, warm, gentle, generous, and often “a guiding light”.
His presence and capacity for empathy was his gift, and it helped put me on the path to healing. But it also taught me something. Sometimes just being there for someone and providing a safe space for them to talk, can be vastly helpful. Even if we don’t know what the right thing is to say. Feeling empathy and standing by someone in a dark place can change their life. (That is not to say that anyone should ever put up with abuse. Boundaries are extremely important.)
As a professional, he never leaned on me, or expressed what he was going through. But sometimes I wish I could have been there for this man, in the way he was for me. I know it’s pointless to play “what if” games, but sometimes I wonder. All I can do is be grateful for our short time together, and hopefully one day pay it forward.
