The Crash

"Crash" - A New Digital Collage - April 2014

For the past few months I've been experiencing an urge to connect with nature, and the physical world.  I've been shooting a lot of film trying to amend this.  In many ways I suppose I am seeking out things that are grounded, and palpable.  More rooted into reality than simply 1's and 0's.   Much of my life is in free fall, and I am unsure of where anything will land.  A few months ago I felt compelled to take a late night drive that ended in a farmers field in the middle of nowhere, with a totalled car.  The accident, which luckily no other vehicle was involved in, literally put me on my back.  I had fractured a vertebrae, and quickly realized that it would be a far more painful and slow journey back to health than I had previously thought.  I had to quit my then physical job and rethink how I did a lot of things. It slowed my body and mind down to a alarmingly aware state, and I woke up to a few things that wanted to be acknowledged.  I had been burning myself out, determined to pay down some debt.  I had fierce loyalty to a job that was doing nothing more for me than causing anxiety and paying the bills.  It was taking over my mind and exhausting my body.  Deep down I knew it was temporary, but I felt stuck in a way and needed to be launched out of it.

As painful, expensive, and humbling as it was I am so lucky it wasn't worse, and grateful now for the eye opening experience.  I had never seriously injured myself before, and now have a greater appreciation for how healthy and capable my body was before.  I am not even close to being 100% yet, but I never thought I would miss the gym so much!  I also feel for those who have ever dealt with chronic pain; something that must be as emotionally debilitating as it is physically.  I now have hopes that once I am back to (somewhat) normal I can improve my health to even better than what it was before.  Strength and freedom of movement is a gift indeed, though many (even myself) often forget.

I am unfortunately still out of work, despite my efforts to find something less physical, which has been a humbling experience in itself.  I'm staying afloat by what I can only call financial miracles and the happenstance that I had been squirrelling money away all year.  A few photo jobs also happily bounced into my lap, and I'm on the prowl for a few more.  Within this daily ritual of getting myself up everyday and searching for my next step I am forced to look at the state of my life moment by moment, only able to distract myself from this for small periods of time.  I sometimes feel like I've missed something, that will not let me move on until it is processed.  In this feeling I've tried to be present, watching myself speak my mind and let go of things that no longer feel purposeful.  What hasn't changed in the last 5 years (thank god) is my yearning to take photographs.  In many ways its helping to sustain me as it has so many times before.

A few moments from my current quiet life, captured in film.  Not exciting by any means, but real parts of the life that still exists.